"What She's Doing Now" -- (1/1) by Andrea Eves Author's Note - This story didn't start out to be this depressing (honest!) but it just seemed to turn out that way...The original inspiration was "What She's Doing Now" by Garth Brooks, and takes place sometime in the future after my other story "The Dance" (Blatant plug *grin* And yes, Garth Brooks seems to be my "music to write fanfic by") There are a couple brief references to that story in this one, but you don't really need to read it to understand what's going on. As always, Scully, Mulder, Skinner, Ratboy and co, and any Mulderisms that appear in this story belong to CC (bow, grovel), 1013 Productions and the Fox Network, and "What She's Doing Now" to Garth Brooks. If any of the above want to sue me...Good luck! I don't have any money and my books and Blue Jays stuff are off-limits *grin* P.S. Thanks to Sheryl Martin, whose "Paperwork" stories provided much-needed laugh breaks. When my writing grows up, I want it to be just like hers *grin* Rated PG-13 for violence and swearing. Dana was gone - he felt it in evry fibre of his being. It had been months (years?) since she had died, but to him it was like yesterday. Why hadn't it been him? ************************************************************************* It had been just another day in the office. The normal jokes and banter, with the also normal paperwork. Or lack of it, to be precise. Scully had been "nagging" him for days about the travel vouchers from their last case, reminding him that after nearly losing both their jobs, the last thing they needed to do was remind their superiors that they existed. He'd tried to argue that "they" knew anyway, and some stupid paperwork submitted on time wouldn't make a difference one way or another. Finally, frustrated and sulking, he had stormed out of the office, papers in hand. They'd ended up in a pile beside him, quickly forgotten about - after all, who'd choose paperwork over Patrick vs Shaquille at Madison Square Garden? (Why hadn't he chosen the paperwork? Half an hour out of his life, and the Knicks played the Magic again next week..) He tried to phone Scully that night after the game to apologize and say that he would have the vouchers ready for the next morning. No answer. He tried her cel phone. No answer. In a panic he had called Mrs Scully, and was relieved to hear Dana's voice on the other end. Instead of apologizing, he only said "It'll be done tomorrow" and hung up. Mulder tried to work on them afterwards, but the adrenaline rush from his panic kept him from concentrating. He picked up the Lone Gunman and began reading, promising himself that the work would be done as soon as he finished. It didn't - he had fallen asleep on the couch, magazine dropping from his hand and burying the papers. The next day Skinner had called them in to discuss the non-appearance of the vouchers. Only then did Mulder realize he'd left them at home, and in saying so, earned both a black look from Scully and a lecture from Skinner directed at both of them. Heading back to the office he'd been unable to face the fury in her eyes, and did (he thought) the logical thing. He took out his frustration on his computer and the mess on his desk. Wrong move. It only started another "discussion" about his paperwork habits and he stormed out of the office once more. Looking back on it in grief, he knew it was the biggest mistake he'd ever made... ************************************************************************* Driving home that night, he'd lost the reception on his car stereo. (A perfect ending to a perfect day.) Fighting with the knob, he gave up after only finding a country station. (Country's better than silence) He could tell he was coming in at the end of a song, and knew if he thought about it hard enough he could name the artist. That night at the Golden Nugget had given him a small taste for country, though this only applied to songs he'd heard while he and Scully danced. He suddenly realized it was Garth Brooks and listened closely (after all, anyone Scully listens to isn't all bad) What she's doing now is tearing me apart Filling up my mind, and emptying my heart I can hear her call each time the cold wind blows And I wonder if she knows What she's doing now... There was a message on his machine when he got home. "We have your partner. Come down to the Botanical Gardens at midnight if you want to see her again." A flat unemotional voice - Cancer Man's. "That black-lunged son of a bitch! Not again! Dana!!" He was screaming, unaware he was doing so, not caring when he heard his neighbours yelling and cursing down the hall. Frantic, praying it was a lie, he called every place where Scully could be - home, cel phone, mother...he even called Melissa, out of pure desperation. She told him Scully was still alive, but it was no good; he could hear her sobbing over the line. He demanded she tell him everything, but that was no good either - all she could say, over and over was "Dana's still alive, barely alive. Bring her back Fox, please bring her back!" Melissa was even more desperate than he was. ************************************************************************* He couldn't stand to think about that night anymore, he didn't want to; but he did. The eidetic memory that was his blessing and his curse tormented him with the images of night in the Botanical Garden. The flowers, the trees, the fountain...the violence. After succeeding in exchanging himself for Scully (after all, "they" wanted him far more than her), he was held by three men and watched the fourth push Scully aside contemptously. He watched her collapse, watched the man slowly pull out a gun and put it to his head. "This is the truth, Mulder. You're going to be very dead in less than a minute and you bitch of a partner will die after you. It will be my personal pleasure to take care of both of you." "You rat-faced arrogant little bastard - she's the only reason you're still alive. She should've let me kill you when I had the chance! You and that smoke-spouting bastard can rot in hell together after I've had the pleasure of coming back to haunt you!" "Goodbye Mulder. It's been a pleasure screwing up your life, but all good things must come to an end." Mulder heard the hammer cocking and closed his eyes. (Goodbye Samantha) His last thought was (I love you Dana...), and the world went black. ************************************************************************* They told him later that Scully had faked the collapse and jumped Krychek from behind, deflecting the gun so that the shot killed one of his captors. Mulder had been knocked unconscious by the fall, the corpse having fallen on top of him. The other two men, seeing he was unconscious, aided Krychek, holding and shooting Scully. They said she'd fought to the very last moment, shooting Krychek before being shot herself. One of Krychek's thugs had then shot Mulder in the abdomen three times before both partners were left to die. The only thing that had saved them (but only temporarily, the bitter voice always said)had been a teenaged couple who had come to the gardens to have sex. Frightened by the fight and the shots, they had run for the nearest phone and called 911. The ambulance had been on its way as the bullets ripped through Scully's body. (Why not mine, why her, why did she try to save me again, why couldn't she have fainted for real or got away, called for backup, all the things she always lectured me about, why didn't she let me die?) He woke up in the hospital three days later, Margaret Scully by his side weeping. His first words had been "Where's Scully? How is she?" Mrs Scully couldn't stop crying, which had told him all he needed to know. He jumped out of bed, tearing out the IV, ignoring the pain - and promptly sunk to the floor, the world going black once more. Margaret Scully could never be sure afterwards, and could never bear to ask him, but she thought he'd murmured "Dana, love, why?" ************************************************************************* He'd insisted on being released for the funeral against all advice from both Skinner and the doctors - and Mrs Scully. Part of him had been angry at her for trying to keep him away, but in the few moments of logical thought he had during that time he understood. At the funeral he'd wept for her, not caring about Skinner or anyone else who was there. He had tried to talk to Mrs Scully afterwards, but the grief in her face and the guilt in his heart prevented him from saying much. Scully had been buried beside her father (I should've been the one in the ground, Dad and I would've made a perfect pair - "Here lie Bill and Fox Mulder, victims of Alex Krychek, paying for their sins" At least there wouldn't have been so many people) He hoped she was at peace somewhere - he knew he would never have peace again without her. They'd taken him back to the hospital afterwards. He vaguely remembered a shot and the feeling of the IV being reinserted into his hand. Other memories stood out, individual images of a confused time. He remembered waking to her voice and getting out of bed (Dana where are you?); a fight with a nurse (How did she get here? Who brought her? Who are you working for?); hallucinations (Dad I don't remember/Sam is that you?/It'll be a nice trip to the woods Scully/I told her it would be a nice trip to the woods/Where is she? What have you done with her?/It's ok Scully, it's ok/You're always keeping your little notes! You have my files and my gun, don't ask me for my trust/Let a request go to waste? Never Scully - doctor's orders, right?/I could've missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance/We have your partner/It will be my personal pleasure to take care of both of you/Goodbye Sam/I love you Dana); and the failed suicide attempt, ripping out the IV and trying to jump throught the window (It's all my fault I was responsible I never told her LET ME DIE DAMN IT JUST LET ME DIE!!) He'd eventually been released from the hospital, once the doctors were assured that both his body and mind were sufficiently healed - at least to the point where he would no longer try to kill himself. Skinner had insisted on him taking a leave of absence; the excuse was that Mulder was not a fully functioning agent in the sight of the Bureau, but he knew better. Skinner was worried he'd go off the deep end again, just like he had before the boxcar and New Mexico (Scully why didn't you stay there you weren't part of the merchandise Duane Barry was a lunatic your name was there because of government testing it wasn't aliens you could've been safe and let me die why didn't you let me die?) Mulder knew that Skinner didn't have to worry; anything he did would be to himself or to Cancer Man. Scully wasn't here to keep him grounded, and it didn't matter who was wrong or right anymore. The only good thing was that Krychek was dead. She'd at least been able to pay him back for the three months she'd lost and the hell she'd been through before they killed her. It didn't matter that she'd been alive until shortly before he woke up. All that mattered was that he'd never be able to take back his last words to her or say goodbye. And he could never look her mother in the eyes again; he considered himself a murderer, and no murderer should be able to look in the eyes of his victim's mother... ************************************************************************* A week passed and it felt like months. Scully had been dead for a month now, he knew how much time he'd lost during the delusions in the hospital. (Please God if You exist tell her what happened during the three months she lost or better yet make her forget she ever lost them make her forget me make her forget I was responsible for this) Most of that week passed in a kind of fatalistic stupor, waiting for his wish to be granted (They tried to kill me while she was here why don't they try now let them try now I won't fight let me die) Evert time he closed his eyes she was there - laying in the coffin, or giving him the Look, or smiling at some stupid joke he'd made. He didn't want to sleep, the nightmares were there and she was in them, alternating with dreams of Sam at first, then gradually taking over. Nothing meant anything to him anymore. He barely ate, barely slept, barely moved. It was a bizarre kind of relief when Mrs Scully came to see him at the end of the week. (Just get this over with then I can die) It had taken her nearly 15 minutes to persuade him to open his door; seeing her brought back the memories even more. He still couldn't look her in the eyes - nothing could change the fact that he was her daughter's murderer. He had tried himself in the courtroom of his mind for hours during that week, always coming to the same verdict. Guilty of first degree murder; guilty of assault with a deadly weapon ("Maybe we should register you as a lethal weapon" - hadn't she liked Mel Gibson once? Fox Mulder, lethal weapon. Being his partner is life-threatening, you should get danger pay just for talking to him. "Have you warned everyone else in the bar that line dancing with me is a health hazard?"); guilty of abandonment (you left her alone you told yourself never again and you left her alone you may as well have pulled the trigged yourself). Most of all, guilty of being responsible for every single thing that happened to Dana Katherine Scully (This while she was your PARTNER, Mr Mulder do you have anything to say before the sentencing? Yes Your Honour do everyone around me a favour and kill me now pull the switch shoot me hang me I don't care let me die I deserve to die more than any of the serial killers I caught) Margaret Scully looked at the mere shadow of the Fox Mulder she knew and realized how close he was to the edge. He wouldn't look at her, barely spoke to her and seemed to be doing evrything he could to get rid of her. He was also trying to tell her something, but she didn't know what it was. She thought she'd known how much he was grieving, but the expression on his face as he opened the door told her that it was far far worse. Only the knowledge that Dana would have wanted him to live made her try to reach him, though he was almost unreachable. "You can't live like this Fo--Mulder. Dana knew what she was doing; it was her choice. Grieve for her, but don't die for her. She wouldn't want it that way." He was drifting, his anchor nearly gone. He brought it into the boat of guilt he was sailing in, then reached to cut the last rope. "She's not here to tell me what she wants. Please leave before something happens to you too." (Leave please leave I killed your daughter I didn't pull the trigger but I killed her anyway leave I don't want anything to happen to you too leave so I can die) "Mulder please...for Dana..." He cut her off furiously. "DANA ISN'T HERE GET OUT! I KILLED HER! JUST GET THE FUCK OUT AND TAKE CARE OF THE FAMILY YOU HAVE LEFT! LEAVE ME ALONE!" He was screaming at her; then, so quietly she could barely hear him, tears pouring down his face, "Please - leave - me - alone" "I'll leave, but I'm coming back tomorrow to see if you've eaten anything. There's a small container of food on the counter when you want to eat." She knew what he'd wanted to tell her now; she was giving up on him for the moment, knowing the battle wasn't over yet. "Be here tomorrow when I come over - for Dana, if not for yourself." For Dana. Be here for Dana. Dana wasn't coming, not tomorrow, not ever. How can you be there for someone who won't be there with you? (You shouldn't even be here Scully/Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone but you) He saw Mrs Scully leave, watched the door close behind her, and suddenly Dana was there... Right. She was here and talking to him. He'd completely lost it now, anchor disappearing, rope cut, reality ceasing to exist... (You aren't here you can't be here you're dead I killed you why didn't you let me die?) (Let me die I almost got you killed with Duane Barry you almost died again with Pfaster they tried to kill you in my apartment you went through hell while you were my partner and then you died trying to save me again let me die this time) (You're dead already how can I haunt you?) (It wasn't the line of duty they kidnapped you to get to me why didn't you leave and get backup? You always told me to wait for backupand lectured me as you were patching me up because I didn't. I want to die Scully, let me die) (What can you do to stop me? Here's my gun, all ready. I knew your mother would be here eventually. I just wanted to wait until I could tell her I was responsible, then I could die because she would know who the real murderer was. You aren't really here, you're my mind's last gasp at happiness before the end. I can think that I'm forgiven and I can die in peace.) (Yes...maybe...Oh hell Scully I don't know anymore. I don't think I am. I'm talking to you and you're dead. That's not the first sign of sanity in my book.) (No. But this is a hallucination, it's not reality and I could be lying to myself. I can do that quite well.) (Of course...but you're dead. I can't feel you near me and I can't hear your voice. All of this is going on in my head.) Suddenly he felt a soft touch on his arm.Dana was there, real, solid, and the same look in her eyes she'd had when he was recovering from the retrovirus in the Arctic. "Dana..stay with me, please, don't leave me again." "You're too small to threaten me Dana, and you don't have a gun anymore. Besides, how do you know Frohicke hasn't tried to contact you already? They do have a Ouija board." "Alright, I'll be here tomorrow. What else do you want me to do? Clean up? If they're going to take me away the place may as well look good. 'Spooky' Mulder gets haunted - isn't that damned funny?" He started to weep again, torn between his desire to believe and his despair. Just before he became hysterical, Scully saved him again. "Goodbye Dana" He didn't feel her touch on his forehead or see her vanish. She had given him a final gift - blissful sleep without dream. When her mother arrived the next morning, he was still grieving for her, but he no longer wanted to die. She had given him back his desire to find the Truth -- for both of them. ************************************************************************* EPILOGUE On the first anniversary of Dana's death Mulder went to the graveyard. Cancer Man had died a few months before, and Skinner was now the Director of the FBI. Mulder himself was Assistant Director and Skinner's hand-picked successor. He had found the truth and it was gradually being released to the public; his job essentially was to ensure all of the truth got out. There were times when he was tempted to release everything at once and have it over with, done. But a voice in his head (Dana's voice, always and ever Dana's voice) would say "slowly...slowly. It took you many years to convince me, and I had the proof from the first. The truth is here, Mulder, and you're giving it to them." He still felt the pain of her loss, an empty place in his heart, but he was healing. Laying a yellow rose by the grave, he knelt by the headstone. Rubbing his hand across the stone as he once caressed her face, he said "Dana, love, I'll be there soon." An echo of a remembered song, the one he'd heard the night she'd died, came back to him, the past year summed up in a few lines. What she's doing now is tearing me apart Filling up my mind, and emptying my heart I can hear her call each time the cold wind blows And I wonder if she knows What she's doing now He thought he heard her laugh behind him. Turning, he saw that there was no one there. Then he heard it. The Gossamer Project Author - Title - Date - Spoilers - Crossovers - X-Files - Adventures - Stories - Vignettes Download Other stories by Eves, Andrea /Please let us know if the site is not working properly. Set story display preferences . Do not archive stories elsewhere without permission from the author(s). See the Gossamer policies for more information. /